"Moosey's got a gun..."

I had a little scare last night, which resulted in emails to my three trusted guys containing a link to a handgun from Cabela's.

I have my bedroom A/C in the window, but just haven't gotten around to plundering my workbench for an extension cord and outlet adaptor. I sleep with my bedroom door shut so that the cats don't come in and wake me up and locked because the door is slightly wobbly on its frame but wobbly enough that when I walk around (or move around) in my room, it bumps against the frame and just irritates the crap out of me. Locking it keeps it mostly still, if that makes sense. (Ah, the joys of living in a 1940s cottage!) I decided to leave a window open while I slept so that it wouldn't get hotter than the seven hells.

I laid down last night and blissed out for a second. It was about midnight before I finally got to bed. I laid there, pleased as punch I have today off, which all of a sudden I heard a baby crying. My eyes flew open and I tensed up. Spidey senses tingling. There is only one baby I know of in the neighborhood, and there's no way they would be taking it for a walk at midnight. Besides, I didn't hear other voices or the crunch of stroller wheels on the street.

I immediately thought of an email I'm sure you've gotten or heard about.
"Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her "Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." He told her that they think it is a serial killer. The man has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night. Please pass this on! and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby."

www.hoax-slayer.com says it's untrue, but I didn't know that at midnight last night. Sounds a little far-fetched? Sure. But at night, when you're a single female alone upstairs in your house in a tiny village, everything can be real. Especially when you suddenly realize that you can't consciously remember locking your back door. I hate sounding vulnerable because I'm perfectly capable in any circumstance, but I had shit to do tomorrow and wasn't about to be bested by a serial killer.

I grabbed my Maglite, biggest one I could find at Walmart which is about the size of one of those fancy pepper grinders at a restaurant but five times as heavy, unlocked my bedroom door, and flipped on the lights. I know they say you're not supposed to turn on the lights because then the perp will know you're onto them, but how the hell else am I supposed to see what's going on? Besides, I just wanted to make it to the back door before anyone else did. I knew my front and side doors were locked.

I crept down the stairs, through the little hallway, through the family room, and saw Tabitha sitting in the dining room window, watching something in the back yard. I got closer and in the brightness of the moon could see two small lumps sitting in my grass. One was dark, one was silvery grey. So of course, I went over to the kitchen door, turned on the porch light, and proceeded to yell at Kinsey to get inside. Apparently he invited one of the neighborhood kids from the feral cat colony next door over for a slumber party and their caterwauling was what I heard. Don't ask me how it sounded like a baby crying, but honest to god, that's what I thought I heard. Kinsey, of course, slithered right across the street towards my grandparents' house. I stomped back up to bed.

So this morning, I'm redeeming credit card points for Cabela's gift cards. Just a deterrent to all potential breakers-and-enterers, horse thieves, pirates, cattle rustlers, and cat burglerz of teh hoomin variety.